keeping count of the casualties.

bla bla bla

Sat, 28 Oct 2006 05:39:17 GMT

this has become basically where i post my terrible creative writing. friends only due to terribleness. you know the drill.

bonjour je m'appelle emotionally unavailable

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 23:47:00 GMT

keeping my head above water these days. i haven't been depressed about being lonely/single etc. for ages, so i don't know, either i'm going numb to it or a relapse is just around the corner. job is doing a good job of keeping me sleepwalking through my weekends. school seems within reach. i'm not doing as well as i'd like to be but i'm not doing so badly as to sink my 85+ hopes ship.

got a bass lesson on sunday and work early tomorrow... only 7 weeks to go.

sigh.

to-do list:

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 20:30:17 GMT

~~1: do meq lab #2~~
~~2: email simon~~ & vlada
~~3: email toni & sandra~~
~~4: decide on topic & do history project proposal~~
~~5: do humanities reading & response~~
~~6: come up with topic & write english essay~~
~~7: do intro to war nine quotes homework~~
~~8. study~~ (massively)~~for philosophy~~
~~9. r~~ead masses of humanities texts, write a++ response (!!!)
10. read olaudah equiano's the interesting narrative
11. study intensely for history test wednesday
12. read philosophy texts, write a+ response

well i pretty much did none of those last four.

edmond dantès (well his heart ain't made of nothin but piss and vinegar)

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 07:37:45 GMT

i am your favourite band selling out. i am the second you realize she just wants to be friends. i am the long and winding road.

i am the keys to the lock in your home.

enough lightnin' to rock shock the boogie down to brighton. aight then.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 07:17:21 GMT

basically i love listening to mf doom. he's just... so amazing. THE RHYMES ARE PLEASING TO MY EARS.

encyclopedia dramatica is just... so winful. of course i end up being so much more of an internet nerd than anyone i know. maybe i shouldn't be surprised.

stacking that paper. 5.5 hours of work first thing in the morning the day i turn eighteen. that's celebrating in style. it also gives me a good excuse to be a little late.

i guess i realized a few days ago, after realizing a week or two ago what kind of people i make friends with (that is, people who say stuff that's out of the ordinary), that the reason i like these people is that i know they're the only people who can maybe accept the retarded stuff that never stops spewing out of my mouth. strength in numbers. i never want to be told "alex, shut up, no one cares." by sally again. it all makes sense now.

my habit venting my off-the-beaten-track thought processes for attention has basically fundamentally shaped my view of who i can be friends with. this post is a decent example i guess.

t-minus 6 days for the birthday, 9 days for bad religion/dropkick murphys/comeback kid, 16 days for nomeansno, 43 days for propagandhi.

intense.

nods

Sun, 27 Aug 2006 16:47:18 GMT

so the weather has definitely changed.

let's do this, crazyfest

let's do this.

making it ache is everything.

Fri, 18 Aug 2006 21:24:28 GMT

jesus she really did use fabulous cream in her hair this morning

sigh

it just rolls off the tongue

truly it pains me that my body is set up in such a way as that i cannot kick myself properly

oh well

a midnite ride out of town

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 02:46:01 GMT

not by chance at first glance i knew you were in. but how long has it been, how long, living from song to song, since we were breaking taboos without snotty "fuck you"s? the hugs that really meant something. the new ideas to explore. an interpersonal connection worth so much fucking more. living, learning, loving. feeling like i belonged. actually giving a damn. how long? how long? too long.

i swear it sounds decent in my head.

and the best mind of my generation goes to... (not pete townshend, in any case)

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 01:48:02 GMT

you'd think that word was bond, you'd think it was good as gold. but now you're fucking gone, and i hope we die before we get old. if there was a hell i'd say "i'll see you there." breathe in that smell, you know it's fear. we'd grapple for eternity. never one to come out on top. dying drenched in enmity. unable to make it stop. the sweat, the tears. the vision in arrears. i'd do it anyway. just to make you pay.

the numbers have been crunched; we're all fucked.

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 17:56:37 GMT

so i wrote a short story (2193 words) over the past few days. and... i'm pretty pleased with it. i managed to avoid both the excessive smut that i tend to fall into and the trap of the easy ending. there's a certain metaphorical quality to the storm trope too. yay english class ! haha. amy totally wants to tap it. also: the title and chapters are composed of lyrics by propagandhi and a wilhelm scream and the song that plays in the second chapter is bad religion's infected.

ch-ch-check it out.

galaxy shooter maximum attack

Mon, 17 Jul 2006 08:56:52 GMT

i am your blind spot. look closely and you'll see i'm not two, or three; it's just me. and you can't ignore me forever, friends in fair weather but lovers in storms (like platonic forms) and someone once said to me that she couldn't tie loose ends 'cause she'd never been to kindergarten, but i'm free of that burden. as much as this is hurting i'll struggle through the pain to tie the not-knot. i am your blind spot.

headsupdate

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 05:31:32 GMT

so i'm listening to the bouncing souls (manthem at the moment, but the song's changing... now it's true believers, fuck yes) and they are so effin good. holy crap. i kinda wish they were touring on their own this summer rather than on the warped tour because of the criminally short sets. oh well. hopefully paint it black will put out a new record sometime soon.

alex myhr keeps including me in the list of people he sends his "inviting you to another drunk party" emails and i feel kinda bad about leaving them behind this semester (although it's yet to be seen if that'll really happen) but it's pretty much for the better (ooh new song: serenity.)

it's summer and i may have just failed to get a job that is criminally hard to not get. vlada hasn't replied to my email, i haven't heard back from ali yet, dan is godknows where in ontario, dehui and sandy are in asia, and shuang is in the dominican republic. and kat and will are in montebello.

at least i have my first bass lesson in months tomorrow. hopefully that won't be sucky and we can get things rolling together. and hopefully i won't sleep through it.

oh, and that lingering smell of hormone-induced false hope is creeping in again. i'm really lame. just... lame. (new song: say anything)

myspace is still godawfully full of perfect people. i wish i came off half as cool as that, even if only on myspace itself. then i could sort of think to myself... at least i look cool to the untrained eye on myspace. that would probably buoy my self-esteem more than it should (new song: the gold song!)

at least i have a working patch cord. it's nice to be able to play and hear the amp growling along. fuck i love how the bass sounds. it's the best instrument.

ps: there's already a band at http://www.myspace.com/withfriendslikethese

the only thing worse than finding someone's taken your name, is to find that it's not even a fully formed band, and they're into screamo. someone stab out my eyes with a fork.

or rather, don't. back in the ussa, germs, nomeansno, warped, rancid, and propagandhi. i can't miss all of those shows, goddamnit. that almost doubles my concerts-attended in one fucking summer. ha.

to hell in a halifax

Sat, 24 Jun 2006 08:09:24 GMT

the room is stuffy, black. unconscious. some people see well in the dark. the killing weighs on his conscience. families, lives torn apart. he's trapped between the covers and the guilt. all those people he killed stand now around his sweaty bed. breathing sharply; surrounded by the dead. those fingers that had flown so true now tremble. gripping at the pillows praying this dream would disassemble like so many bombs in peace, but even if he could speak them they wouldn't understand his pleas. the innocent smiles of youth, the wizened face of age, by now it's no use to try to disengage. hands cast in moonlight extend and bring the cycle to an end.

bleh

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 20:47:00 GMT

i feel like a vacuum...

always needing, wanting, trying to pull what i want out of the world without actually moving... except perhaps backwards and forwards over it, hoping the force of my desire will win out.

too much beauty and i've got a really low threshhold for it.

sigh.

summer lovin' (luna fatale)

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 21:25:17 GMT

it's not that you're playing with me like i'm a toy, but your hands hurt me so much, you're breaking the boy. sit here and strum, hand you the gun, we both know how this will end. face looking glum, empty of joy, let's see how far back i can bend. i'm portending, you're pretending. we both know how this will end. old friendships die hard, even when by disaster marred. let's see how far back i can bend.

here's to the memories.

Thu, 27 Apr 2006 00:18:34 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	26%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|	16%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Mystical	\|\|	10%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Religious	\|\|	10%
Hedonism	\|\|	10%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Avoidant	\|\|	10%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Wealth	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	36%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	64%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Punx in Vegas is officially the best song ever.

cryin' won't help ya, prayin' won't do ya no good

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 20:21:28 GMT

so my output so far has pretty much sucked.

nothing actually happens to me.

it all has to come from my mind, and that gives way to me talking excessively about emotions

and then i'll sort of

pop a little bit of what happened

in at some inopportune moment.

kills the mood.

the buzz, if you will.

like i go... emotions... o brother, where art thou?... emotions...

IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

i'm sorry.

blood on coathangers

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 07:12:18 GMT

so call me fat fuck geriatric punk

god nofx can really write songs but

tonight i could use a song or two of my own
i work so hard just to get by getting by

and what it comes down to:

i never seem to run into any asian girls who could recognize master of puppets from the headbangs that accompany the intro

who could ask questions and be impressed with picture-perfect answers like "light racicot or well the giant?" or "chris hannah by a hair"

or answering machine messages from the fourth dimension.

i guess the underlying message here is:

chuck norris is vin diesel's parents.

love/hate

emotions are tricky things.

here's to—

n hits from hell, where n is an integer between 2 and 4.

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 06:38:00 GMT

well today sucked balls.

to the wall.

it sucked balls to the wall!

right to it.

no other 16 words could better have described today's conduct. for reals.

shuang, you're... difficult.

alex, you're... dumb.

patrick cawley, you're a whore.

i guess ali, will and dan escape hatred in this matter. but only just. lesser mentions could go to dehui, dave, sandy, mark, belinda, terri, jackie, marissa and my family. i think that's like. every person i had to think about in some way or another.

wait no, me and shu discussed her whole yoga class.

well.

they're all whores. even the ugly girl in the yellow top.

best moviecharacter of all time: ulysses everett mcgill.

godDAMN does he pwn.

gaze on my life, ye people who are me, and despair.

...

because it's your life.

and it shucks.

right now i wanna be davey fucken havok.

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 08:29:24 GMT

the avengers - the american in me

it's the american in me that makes me watch the blood running out of the bullethole in his head. it's the american in me that makes me never wonder why kennedy was murdered by the fbi, say, ask not what you can do for your country, but what's your country been doing to you?

exciting.

life seems so brimming with artistic possibilities i just don't know where to start.

i want to write, to write, to create, to scream.

look at me — i have good taste, i can keep an online image if not a real one, and i can be devastatingly creative.

it's times like this that i wished so desperately that i didn't have to worry about schoolwork.

i want to be everything — but not a student.

fuck subservience.

god. emotions are dangerous.

i think the status quo just shivered.

no, that was a delusion of grandeur.

bleh.

i re-watched "o brother, where are thou?" tonight.

that shit was the shit.

and the sheriff is TOTALLY whatsisface from apocalypse now.

totally.

here's to diversification

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 00:08:02 GMT

as whatshisface from the wu-tang clan said: you got to diversify your bonds, nigga.

that was good shit.

best part of a song ever:

"all the slightly insane on the 18 north main, reaching for a small town-downtown night rain, nothing I could say could be worth saying anyway today. Like, 'hey whatever happened to what's-that-guy's-name?' we get a little older and we look the same: askance. excuse my failing sense of humour.''

more to come at an undisclosed date.

oh and jess de stefano, dark brown hair and a yellow paul frank hoodie, now inexorably tied to the word suicide in my mind — as is the song "ground control" by sage francis and that park where we celebrated part of sandee's 18th birthday on mount royal.

go figure.